THE 62 BEST SPAM HAIKU Compiled from the SPAM Haiku Archive (http://mit.edu/jync/www/spam/) Once separated, The sow rejoins her children In a small blue can. Feet, brains, tail, and snout; the meat grinder acts as the great equalizer. With the empty can Held up to my ear, I hear The sound of the sty. New fundamental particle found in pig snouts. It's the SPARK (SPiced quARK). They break down the door As he opens the SPAM can. The rabbi exposed! The odd, clear jelly In which this snout meat quivers I pray is not snot At the abbatoir Scythes and grinders groan. Outside Hormel's barrow waits. Cop beats up migrants Heading for "jobs" at Hormel. Meat tenderizer. A SPAM a day keeps the doctor away (but brings the coroner near). Tropical SPAM night. Suckling loaf roasting on spit, Fake palm trees askew. Volume of a pig? Easy to compute with SPAM Length times height times width Relativity Predicts SPAM waves will bend near Massive trailer parks. As an object gets Near the speed of SPAM waves, its Fat content goes up. If Schrödinger's cat eats the SPAM, uncertainty is out the door: dead. Talmudic scholars ponder SPAM. Is anything on Earth less kosher? The Lord is my swine- herd; I shall not want. He forms me to fit in tins. He synthesizes My flavor; He scrapes me from The slaughterhouse floor. Yea, though I trot towards The abattoir, I will fear no disembowelment. For Thou standest o'er Me; Thy cudgel and Thy knife They do dispatch me. Thou preparest a Dish of me in the presence Of my predators. Thou anointest my Slices with mayonnaise; my Grease runneth over. Surely parsley and Cloves will garnish me all the Days of my shelflife. SPAM, a beer, then an ice cream--this Passover meal makes Adonai mad. Notice the label. The circle "u" is missing. It is not kosher. Nitrates, sodium, and snouts, divine trinity? Pray before eating. Frolicking fat frog, Living near the factory. Now he is SPAM too. Porcine and bovine; Equine and canine. Hormel won't discriminate. I collect roadkill Deer, dogs, cats, coons, drunks, possum I work for Hormel Princess looks for frog; Is it too late? It can't be! Already in SPAM. Pull the shiny ring Porcine lips, tails, and assholes Unveiled before you "Slow down," she whispered, now guiding my trembling hands, "Turn the key slowly." Twelve pigs live on farm Farmer makes a batch of SPAM Still twelve pigs on farm If pigs have no arms, How is SPAM made from shoulders? I want an answer. Pig lips meet my lips Pig anus meets my anus A meeting of meat Highly unnatural, The tortured shape of this "food" ...A small pink coffin. Group of friends cooking SPAM around campfire: "It don't get no better'n this!" At the Last Supper, Apostles order the SPAM. "Christ! It tastes like shit!" Forty year-old man, Pathetic, hunched at the screen. Writing SPAM haiku. Three men in lifeboat. No food 'cept SPAM. Hour later: Two men in lifeboat. Pregnant woman eats SPAM. Remnants flow through system. Hear the Silent Scream. SPAM is not a gift. When you eat, just remember: It's only a loan. Fed my dog warm SPAM. Pissed in shoes. Ate my wallet. Bitter little fuck. I allowed the SPAM To slide to toilet from can Saved time and trouble Critics will scoff: "These aren't real haiku." We'll retort, "So? SPAM ain't real meat." Pepto-Bismol / SPAM One yin to the other's yang Pink pursuing pink Hickory smoked SPAM. Hickory's been comatose Since that fateful day. SPAM commercial: Two Yugos pull up. "Pardon me. Have you any SPAM?" Slaughterhouse product The screams of a thousand pigs Silent within you SPAM, too, needs a wife. What consort for my Pork Prince? Ah! The Velveeta! You leave the table So offended by my meal. Come back, little fly! Indian looks down on Hormel plant. A single tear runs down his face. A deranged old man Puts SPAM in his bird feeder, Rubs his hands, cackles. Attach electrodes To the SPAM, jolt it, shock it-- Still it will not oink. Father pig to son: "One day, all yours will be this," pointing to SPAM tin. Scott O'Grady packed SPAM in his survival kit, lived on bugs for days. Abortionist's trash Contains grisly organs, meat. SPAM for lunch again. Does SPAM contain tongues? When you eat it, does it taste you as you taste it? What a mockery-- Lettuce and fruits surround SPAM. Why gild the lily? s for super, p for pig, a for always, m for mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm! Hormel Orphanage: Many unwanted babies Welcome; none come out. "The pork is unclean!" Rallying cry overheard. Speakers now in tins. Jeff Dahmer in jail. He was fed some SPAM and said, "How can you eat this?"