The winner

Alright, we had 35 submissions for the Best Umeshism Contest, of which 23 were eligible (i.e., had a name and were posted by the deadline). After lengthy deliberation, the Shtetl-Optimized Executive Committee is pleased to announce a winner. But first, the runners-up:

If you’ve never broken the bed, you’re not experimenting enough. –Miss HT Psych

If you’ve never hit the ground while skydiving, you’re opening your parachute too early. –Ari

If you’ve never written a sentence fragment. –Andrew L.

If you win Scott’s contest, then you’ve probably spent too much time thinking of a good Umeshism. –Mohammad Mahdian

The following three anonymous entries also merited honorable mentions:

If you’ve never been fined $250,000, you’re paying too much for your DVDs.

If all your students graduate, then you’re spending too much time in your office.

If you’ve never missed a flight, then you don’t know what it’s like to show up at the airport, stand in the wrong line for 20 minutes, be denied a checkin, and then be told that there is nothing available for the next 5 days (through Christmannukah), and then only with a 7-hour layover. So how about this one: If you’ve ever missed a flight, you’re spending too much time in airports. Thank you for the advice, Umesh Vazirani.

As you may have noticed, a large proportion of entries are actually ironic commentaries on the Umeshism concept. But in the end, a simple focus on the high-order bits took the cake:

If you’ve never had children, then you’re spending too much time using protection. –Peter Brooke

Thanks to everyone who entered, and Happy New Year from your procrastinating, narcissistic friends here at Shtetl-Optimized!

7 Responses to “The winner”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    People posting to geeky blogs like this one (and I mean this in the best sense, of course), should know that smart-arse comments are good, but sex related comments are better…

  2. Miss HT Psych Says:

    Thanks for the runner’s up nod! Happy New Year! :)

  3. Cheshire Cat Says:

    Happy New year to you too. But are you referring to yourself in the plural now? It’s getting a little spooky…

  4. Eldar Says:

    How about that the next contest would be “think of a good question to ask me”, and then the winning criteria and the prize itself would become one?

  5. grumbuskin Says:

    This one is actually used in surgery.

    “If you don’t see a normal appendix sometimes, you aren’t being suspicious enough”

  6. Pink Army gaylord Says:

    The winning entry is un-true. Some geeks don’t use contraceptives – they use their personality.

  7. Shtetl-Optimized » Blog Archive » We the nerds Says:

    […] Shtetl-Optimized « The winner But what if? » […]