Alright, we had 35 submissions for the Best Umeshism Contest, of which 23 were eligible (i.e., had a name and were posted by the deadline). After lengthy deliberation, the Shtetl-Optimized Executive Committee is pleased to announce a winner. But first, the runners-up:
If you’ve never broken the bed, you’re not experimenting enough. –Miss HT Psych
If you’ve never hit the ground while skydiving, you’re opening your parachute too early. –Ari
If you’ve never written a sentence fragment. –Andrew L.
If you win Scott’s contest, then you’ve probably spent too much time thinking of a good Umeshism. –Mohammad Mahdian
The following three anonymous entries also merited honorable mentions:
If you’ve never been fined $250,000, you’re paying too much for your DVDs.
If all your students graduate, then you’re spending too much time in your office.
If you’ve never missed a flight, then you don’t know what it’s like to show up at the airport, stand in the wrong line for 20 minutes, be denied a checkin, and then be told that there is nothing available for the next 5 days (through Christmannukah), and then only with a 7-hour layover. So how about this one: If you’ve ever missed a flight, you’re spending too much time in airports. Thank you for the advice, Umesh Vazirani.
As you may have noticed, a large proportion of entries are actually ironic commentaries on the Umeshism concept. But in the end, a simple focus on the high-order bits took the cake:
If you’ve never had children, then you’re spending too much time using protection. –Peter Brooke
Thanks to everyone who entered, and Happy New Year from your procrastinating, narcissistic friends here at Shtetl-Optimized!